Incest

To be fair, it's a bit much to expect something as good as this:

or Jarvis Cocker waggling his arse at Michael Jackson, but is it right for the Brit awards to be so utterly insipid? Still, it was an educational experience, and in hindsight perhaps the incestual undertones of Daniel & Natasha Bedingfield's performance was more shocking than anything the KLF could rustle up.

Things I learnt from the Brit Awards:

+++ Britney Spears has 'a new fragrance'. What, does it smell of chips & fag ash? Or is it just 'Toxic'? (sorry)

+++ Robbie is still plugging this 'I'm a bit gay... or am I' line. Give it a rest mate. No-one cares.

+++ Inviting a load of septics to perform isn't a good idea. Frankly their spectacular shows make anything us plucky Brits can come up with look a bit crap. Scissor Sisters & Gwen Stefani = Pure Showbusiness.

+++ I am still reeling from the unremitting awfullness of Daniel & Natasha Bedingfield duetting a cover of 'Ain't Nobody'. Was I the only one to shift awkwardly on my seat as those siblings sang to each other:

I wait for night time to come

And bring you to me

And first you put your arms around me

Then you put your charms around me

I can’t resist this sweet surrender

Oh my nights are warm and tender

We stare into each other’s eyes

And what we see is no surprise

Got a feeling most with treasure

And a love so deep we cannot measure

Jeezus. Don't they know that's illegal in most countries? Or is incest the new Rock 'n' Roll?

+++ It is possible for the best single of 2004 to be something I have never heard and never will hear. (Unless someone can hum 'Your Game' by Will Young to me.....)

thought not

+++ The Scissor Sisters are apparently 'British by Proxy' !

+++ The Outkast album (Speakerboxx / The Love Below) apparently came out in 2004.

+++ No photographs exist on the internet of either 'The Jarvis Cocker incident', or of Roy Keane murderously chasing Andy D'Urso round the Old Trafford pitch.

Things I didn't learn from the Brit Awards:

+++ Why they:

are named after him:

+++What the hell 'Spongebob Squarepants' is

+++ Why The Telegraph described Scissor Sisters as 'A Transsexual Band'. Is Ana Matronic hiding something?

+++ How Joss Stone is 'Urban'. She's from fucking Devon.

+++ For that matter, Bob Geldolf is IRISH. I mean good luck to the fella, done a lot of good work for charity and all that... but surely the 'Brit' awards are for British music. Have we really run out of British artists to give lifetime acheivement awards to? What next? Johnny Hallyday? David Hasslehoff? I'm sure they've both visited London a few times. More to the point, WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO GIVE IT TO APHEX??

+++ Why children were warned to 'Cover your eyes' before Lemar and Jamelia's attempt at 'Addicted to Love'. Why not adults too? And why just the eys? 'Leave the room' would have been a safer option.

To make matters worse, I missed an episode of 'Arrested Development' to watch that tripe.

Thankfully there is an hour of 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' on now.




So i'm off....

But not before honouring the greatest performance in Brit Awards history:

The KLF vs Extreme Noise Terror - 3am Eternal